I'll keep it short and sweet -- Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. - Matt Groening
It takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen. - Matt Groening
What good is money if it can't inspire terror in your fellow man? - Matt Groening
You know, the one with all the well meaning rules that don't work out in real life, uh, Christianity. - Matt Groening
Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life be without it? - Matt Groening
Donuts. Is there anything they can't do? - Matt Groening
I can't believe it! Reading and writing actually paid off! - Matt Groening
Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come. - Matt Groening
If money is the root of all evil, then why do we have to have jobs? - Matt Groening
Christmas is a time when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ. - Matt Groening
Good things don't end in 'eum,' they end in 'mania'...or 'teria'. - Matt Groening
Well you know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like women. You just have to read the manual and press the right button. - Matt Groening
Warning signs that lover is bored: 1. Passionless kisses 2. Frequent sighing 3. Moved, left no forwarding address. - Matt Groening
I'm better than dirt. Well, most kinds of dirt, not that fancy store-bought dirt... I can't compete with that stuff. - Matt Groening
I'm a level 5 vegan, I don't eat anything that casts a shadow. - Matt Groening
All right, brain, you don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's just get me through this, and I can get back to killing you with beer. - Matt Groening
Books are useless! I only ever read one book, To Kill A Mockingbird, and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! - Homer Simpson - Matt Groening
But we all had an agreement to let each other get away with everything! That's Capitalism! - Matt Groening
When will people learn? Democracy doesn't work!" (Homer Simpson) - Matt Groening
I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell? - Matt Groening
When you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose; it's how drunk you get. - Matt Groening
Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix. - Matt Groening
You know, the courts may not be working any more, but as long as everyone is videotaping everyone else, justice will be done. - Matt Groening
If it doesn't have Siamese twins in a jar, it is not a fair. - Matt Groening
If something is too hard to do, then it's not worth doing. You just stick that guitar in the closet next to your shortwave radio, your karate outfit and your unicycle and we'll go inside and watch TV. - Matt Groening
I know all those words, but that sentence makes no sense to me. - Matt Groening
Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals ... except the weasel. - Matt Groening
Love is a perky elf dancing a merry little jig, and then suddenly he turns on you with a miniature machine gun. - Matt Groening
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV! - Matt Groening
Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos. - Matt Groening
I hope this has taught you kids a lesson: kids never learn. - Matt Groening
There's an empty spot I've always had inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion, community service, but those were dead ends! I think this chair is the answer. - Matt Groening
Of course I’ve gone mad with power! Have you ever tried going mad without power? It’s boring and no one listens to you!— Russ Cargill - Matt Groening
Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover. - Matt Groening
You don't like your job, you don't strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way. - Matt Groening
Aren't we forgeting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa. - Matt Groening
What if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder. - Matt Groening
Love is a perky elf dancing a merry little jig, then suddenly he turns on you with a miniature machine gun. - Matt Groening
I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here. - Matt Groening
Romance is dead. It was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece. - Matt Groening
I thought I had an appetite for destruction, but all I wanted was a club sandwich. - Matt Groening
To alcohol! The cause of... and solution to... all of life's problems - Matt Groening
Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true! - Matt Groening
All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat!?' I'm trying to impress people here, Lisa. You don't win friends with salad. - Matt Groening
You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head. - Matt Groening
To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems. - Matt Groening
America's health care system is second only to Japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, well ... all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky starts we don't live in Paraguay! - Matt Groening
How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive? - Matt Groening